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How to Help a Student
Introduction
If you are visiting this page, it is likely that you are a friend,
professor, staff member, or parent who is concerned about the well-being of a
Trinity student. On this page you will find advice about offering help,
including making a referral to Counseling Services, should you realize that
the student needs more assistance than you can offer.
Each year about ten percent of Trinity students seek assistance from Counseling
Services Although most will approach Counseling Services directly, some may
first turn to you for help because they respect and trust you. In other
cases, you may notice signs that a student is in distress or is having
difficulty coping and you wish to make the first move.
The Process of Helping
Helping another person involves caring, listening, understanding, and
collaborating. Consider the following guidelines as you offer help.
Step 1:
Observe
Notice signs that may indicate that a student is struggling. Spoken
expressions of distress or unhappiness are obvious indicators. Other
signs include procrastination, poorly prepared work, infrequent class
attendance, lack of energy, falling asleep in class, marked changes in
personal hygiene or physical appearance, speech that is more rapid or more
slow than usual, garbled and disjointed thoughts, changes in eating habits,
changes in sleeping habits, threats to harm oneself or others, marked
irritability, social withdrawal, crying/tearfulness, or writing disturbing
material in academic assignments or in messages sent via email or Instant
Messenger.
Step 2: Set
the Stage
If you and the student are able to talk face-to-face, ensure that you have
privacy. If possible, allow for enough time that the two of you can
talk at length, if needed. Minimize distractions (e.g., turn off the
ringer on your phone) and talk to the student only if s/he is alert and
sober. Otherwise, pursue a conversation at another time.
If you must talk with the student from a distance, do so by telephone, rather
than e-mail or Instant Messenger, because so much is conveyed by a person’s
tone of voice. When you call the student, ask whether this is a good
time to talk for a while (does s/he have both time and privacy?). If
not, arrange a specific time when both of you have both time and privacy.
Before your initial contact, whether in person or by phone, prepare
yourself to listen nonjudgmentally to what the
student might reveal to you about what they feel or think or have done.
You want to create an atmosphere in which the student can acknowledge
difficult or shameful feelings (such as sadness, frustration, anger or
despair), thoughts (such as wanting to drop out of school or die), and
behaviors. Your compassionate and supportive attitude will invite the
student to open up and will facilitate your discussion.
Step 3: Listen
Listening empathically and nonjudmentally is THE most important thing a
helper can do! Surprisingly, it can be a difficult task.
Listening means encouraging the other person to tell the story of what s/he
is going through, including not only the facts, but also the thoughts and
emotions s/he experiences in response to what is happening in his or her life.
Listening means seeking to understand the other person’s concerns from his
or her point of view.
At a more basic level, listening requires communicating to the student
that s/he has your full attention. Look at the person directly (without
staring!), ask him or her to clarify things or tell you more, summarize what
s/he is saying to be sure both you and they know that you understand, and ask
questions to explore some relevant matters in greater detail.
If you find the student being defensive or arguing with you, you may not
be listening carefully. Instead, you may be attempting to offer advice
or solve the problem prematurely, probably because
you are under the mistaken impression that giving advice is at the heart of
helping. In reality, listening is at the heart of helping. “Just
listening” is powerful and it IS “doing something”!
In addition to offering advice prematurely, helpers may also be tempted to
offer reassurance too quickly, especially when the distressed student is
someone for whom the helper cares deeply! If a helper moves too
quickly to reassure or offer comfort in order to help the student feel
better, the student may not have the opportunity to express his or her
feelings. S/he may even believe that s/he should not talk about unhappy
feelings because they are bad or unacceptable. Be willing to listen to
the unpleasant emotions the student is expressing (such as sadness, fear,
anger, embarrassment) without rushing to make the student feel better.
Step 4:
Explore Options
The next step is to offer to help the student generate and consider options
for coping or responding to the problem(s) s/he’s experiencing. (Be aware,
however, that some students don’t need this help because your empathic
listening helped them to get unstuck and do what they need to do.) If
the student is open to you helping him or her brainstorm what to do, a good
place to start is to ask what s/he has already done or thought about.
After the student has generated his or her ideas, then you may have some
additional options to put on the table for consideration.
Be mindful that one option is to seek input from others on campus.
Depending on whether the concerns are academic, career-related, or personal,
you might suggest that the student consult with a professor, advisor, or
member of the staff of campus support services such as Counseling Services,
Career Services, Health Services, etc. (Counseling Services is often a
good place to start on campus because its staff can help a student get
connected with other professionals on campus and off campus who can be
helpful.)
Step 5: Make a
Plan
Although you can be helpful in brainstorming options, the final decision
about how to proceed must remain with the student. It is important that
the student make his/her own plan of action because he/she is more likely to
follow through on a plan that is personally satisfying.
Additional Considerations
1. The student may not feel better immediately after having talked
with you. S/he may need some time (days, weeks or months) to work
through his or her situation. During this period your support,
understanding and acceptance is important.
2. You may find that you are unable to help the student. If
this is the case, you might suggest that the person seek professional
counseling. You might say something like: “We have been talking about this
same problem for weeks and nothing seems to be changing for you. I know
this has been a difficult time for you but I just don’t know what to do to
help you, and I think you need to talk with someone who is trained to help
people with their problems.” At this point, you can make a referral to
Counseling Services (210-999-7411). If you are on campus, you may even
want to offer to have the student call Counseling Services from your office
or room, and/or you can offer to accompany the student to his or her initial
consultation, whether it is by appointment or during walk-in hours
(Monday-Friday 3:00-4:30 during fall and spring semesters).
3. It is typically a good idea to follow up with the student at a
later date. This follow-up may solidify the student's resolve to get
appropriate help and may demonstrate your commitment to assist in this
process. Later, ask the student if he or she kept the appointment and
how it went. (The student may not wish to discuss many details of the
appointment, however.) Once the student is receiving help, continue to
offer support.
“What if the Student Refuses My Help?”
Unfortunately, you cannot make someone open up to you and accept your
help. If s/he insists that things are okay, convey your ongoing concern
and your willingness to offer support in the future. If you observe
additional signs that the student is struggling in the future, approach the
student again to share what you’ve observed and offer to listen.
It is also possible that the student does not want to burden you with
his/her problems, especially if s/he has experienced you as someone who is
prone to worry. So, you might remind the student that Counseling
Services is a place where s/he can talk confidentially about whatever s/he
may be concerned about. Also be aware that you may call Counseling
Services and consult with a counselor who may be able to coach you in your
efforts to help the student.
When a Situation is Urgent
If you believe that a student is in imminent danger of harming him/herself
or someone else, immediately call the Department of Campus Safety for
assistance (210-999-7000).
If you think a student needs to talk with a counselor promptly during office
hours (8:00-5:00 Monday through Friday), call Counseling Services at
210-999-7411. When calling, please identify yourself, your relationship
to the student (i.e., friend, advisor, R.A., parent), and your need to speak
with a counselor promptly about a student in distress.
If you believe that a counselor may need to assist a student in distress
when the office is closed, call the Department of Campus Safety at
210-999-7000. The dispatcher can contact Counseling Service’s on-call
counselor to respond to urgent situations between 5:00 p.m. and 8:00 a.m.
during weekdays and 24 hours on weekends when school is in session.
This guide was written by Dr. Kristin
Eisenhauer with Dr. Richard Reams and is based on similar information that
has been developed at the counseling centers of the University
of Texas at Austin,
the University of Florida, the University of Notre Dame, Stanford University,
and Valdosta State University.
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