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How to Help a Student
Introduction
If you are visiting this page, it is likely that you are a friend,
professor, staff member, or family member who is concerned about the
well-being of a Trinity student. On this page you will find advice
about offering help, including making a referral to Counseling Services,
should you realize that the student needs more assistance than you can offer.
Each year about ten percent of Trinity students seek assistance from Counseling
Services. Although most will approach
Counseling Services directly, some may first turn to you for help because
they respect and trust you. In other cases, you may notice signs that a
student is in distress or is having difficulty coping, and you wish to make
the first move.
The Process of Helping
Helping another person involves caring, listening, understanding, and
collaborating. Consider the following guidelines as you offer help.
Step 1:
Observe
Notice signs that may indicate that a student is struggling. Spoken
expressions of distress or unhappiness are obvious indicators. Other
signs include deteriorating academic performance, infrequent class
attendance, lack of energy, falling asleep in class, marked changes in
personal hygiene or physical appearance, speech that is more rapid or more
slow than usual, garbled and disjointed thoughts, changes in eating habits,
changes in sleeping habits, threats to harm oneself or others, marked
irritability, social withdrawal, crying/tearfulness, or writing disturbing
material in academic assignments or in messages provided via email, Facebook, Instant Messenger, etc.
Step 2: Set
the Stage
If you and the student are able to talk face-to-face, ensure that you have
privacy. If possible, allow for enough time that the two of you can
talk at length, if needed. Minimize distractions (e.g., turn off the
ringer on your phone) and talk to the student only if s/he is alert and
sober. Otherwise, pursue a conversation at another time.
If you must talk with the student from a distance, do so by telephone if
possible, rather than e-mail or Instant Messenger, because so much is
conveyed by a person’s tone of voice. When
you call the student, ask whether this is a good time to talk for a while (does
s/he have both time and privacy?). If not, arrange a specific time when
both of you have both time and privacy.
Before your initial contact, whether in person or by phone, prepare
yourself to listen nonjudgmentally
to what the student might reveal to you about what they feel or think or have
done. Create an atmosphere in which the student can acknowledge
difficult or shameful feelings (such as sadness, frustration, anger or
despair), thoughts (such as wanting to drop out of school or die), and
behaviors (such as skipping classes, drinking excessively). Your
compassionate and supportive attitude will invite the student to open up and
will facilitate your discussion.
Step 3: Listen
Listening empathically and nonjudmentally is THE
most important thing you can do! Surprisingly, it can be a difficult
task. Listening means encouraging the other person to tell the story of
what s/he is going through, including not only the facts, but also the
thoughts and emotions s/he experiences in response to what is happening in
his or her life. Listening empathically means seeking to understand the
other person’s concerns from his or her point of
view.
At a more basic level, listening requires communicating to the student
that s/he has your full attention. Look at the person directly (without
staring, of course), ask him or her to clarify things or tell you more,
summarize what s/he is saying to be sure both you and they know that you
understand, and ask questions to explore some relevant matters in greater
detail.
If you find the student being defensive or arguing with you, you may not
be listening carefully. Instead, you may be attempting to offer advice
or solve the problem prematurely,
probably because you are under the mistaken impression that giving advice is
at the heart of helping. In reality, listening is at the heart of
helping. “Just listening” is powerful and it IS “doing
something”!
In addition to offering advice prematurely, helpers may also be tempted to
offer reassurance too quickly, especially when the distressed student is
someone for whom the helper cares deeply. If a helper moves too
quickly to reassure or offer comfort in order to help the student feel
better, the student may not have the opportunity to express the depth his or
her feelings. S/he may even believe that s/he should not talk about
unhappy feelings because they are bad or unacceptable. Be willing to
listen to the unpleasant emotions the student is expressing (such as sadness,
fear, anger, embarrassment) without rushing to make the student feel better.
Step 4: Inquire about Suicidal Thoughts
If the student is significantly distressed or depressed, it is a good idea
to ask about thoughts of suicide. Asking
will not “plant the seed.”
Don’t say, “You’re not thinking about killing yourself,
are you?” Asking about suicide
that way implies that you want the student to say no, even if the answer is
yes. Instead, ask something like this:
“Are you ever so upset that you think about killing yourself?” If s/he admits to such thoughts, ask for specifics
about what s/he contemplates. The more
specific and lethal the thoughts, the greater the risk. (If you learn that the student is at risk of
committing suicide or being violent, immediately call Campus Security for
assistance: 210-999-7000.)
Step 5: Explore
Options
The next step is to offer to help the student generate and consider
options for coping or responding to the problem(s) s/he’s
experiencing. (Be aware, however, that some students
don’t need this help because your empathic
listening helped them to get unstuck and do what they need to do.) If
the student is open to you helping him or her brainstorm what to do, a good
place to start is to ask what s/he has already done or thought about.
After the student has generated his or her ideas, then you may have some
additional options to put on the table for consideration.
Be mindful that one option is to seek input from others on campus.
Depending on whether the concerns are academic, career-related, or personal,
you might suggest that the student consult with a professor, advisor, or
member of the staff of campus support services such as Counseling Services,
Career Services, Health Services, etc. (Counseling Services is often a
good place to start on campus because its staff can help a student get connected
with other professionals on campus and off campus who can be helpful.)
Step 6: Make a
Plan
Although you can be helpful in brainstorming options, the final decision
about how to proceed must remain with the student. It is important that
the student make his/her own plan of action because he/she is more likely to
follow through on a plan that is personally satisfying.
Additional Considerations
1. The student may not feel better immediately after having talked
with you. S/he may need some time (days, weeks or months) to work
through his or her situation. During this period your support,
understanding and acceptance is important.
2. You may find that you are unable to help the student, whether immediately
or after several conversations. If you reach this point, encourage the
persons to consult with a counselor at Counseling Services
(210-999-7411). If you are on campus, you may even want to offer to
have the student call Counseling Services from your office or room, and/or
you can offer to accompany the student to his or her initial consultation,
whether it is by appointment or during walk-in hours (Monday-Friday 3:00-4:30
during fall and spring semesters).
If you encourage the student to consult with a counselor and s/he refuses
or is reluctant, invite the student to express the reasons that s/he hesitates,
and respond to the concerns with empathy and information. For example, if s/he is concerned about
confidentiality, direct the student to the description of confidentiality on
our Web page or explain about confidentiality. If s/he questions whether counseling can
help, remind the student that s/he has nothing to lose but about an hour of
time.
3. It is typically a good idea to follow up with the student at a
later date. This follow-up may solidify the student's resolve to get
appropriate help and may demonstrate your commitment to assist in this
process. Later, ask the student if he or she kept the appointment and
how it went. (The student may not wish to discuss many details of the
appointment, however.) Once the student is receiving help, continue to
offer support.
“What if the Student Refuses My Help?”
Unfortunately, you cannot make someone open up to you and accept your
help. If s/he insists that things are okay, convey your ongoing concern
and your willingness to offer support in the future. If you observe
additional signs in the future that the student continues to struggle,
approach the student again to share what you’ve
observed and offer to listen.
It is also possible that the student does not want to burden you with
his/her problems, especially if s/he has experienced you as someone who is
prone to worry. So, you might remind the student that Counseling
Services is a place where s/he can talk confidentially about whatever s/he
may be concerned about.
“How Can Trinity Help Me Help a Student?”
HIGH-LEVEL CONCERN: If you believe
that the student is at risk of being suicidal or violent, immediately call Campus
Security for assistance (210-999-7000).
Campus Security will respond and contact Trinity’s on-call
counselor or Emergency Medical Services if needed.
MODERATE-LEVEL CONCERN: If the student
appears to be in distress without being suicidal or violent:
·
During office hours, you may consult with a
psychologist at Counseling Services (210-999-7411) who can coach you in your
efforts to help the student. (Counseling
Services does not make “cold calls” on students, however.*)
·
During evenings and weekends, you may consult with
the on-duty Residential Life Coordinator.
To do so, call Campus Security (210-999-7000) who will connect you
with the RLC on duty. The RLC on duty
can contact Trinity’s on-call counselor, if needed.
*If you believe that someone should check on the well-being of a student
and the situation does not appear to be dangerous, contact the Dean of Students
(210-999-8843) who can arrange a “wellness check”.
This guide was
written by Dr. Kristin Eisenhauer with Dr. Richard Reams and is based on
similar information that has been developed at the counseling centers of the University of Texas
at Austin, the University
of Florida, the University of Notre
Dame, Stanford University,
and Valdosta State University.
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