For the past few months, I have been witness to the preparations for a wedding. Wow.

My friends considered carefully what getting married meant to them. They had been common-law for a year and a half, and decided that they wanted to demonstrate their commitment to each other in front of their community.

That's what a wedding is all about, right? Well, you wouldn't think so with the way our consumerist and sexist culture reacts.

Jenn says: I have been asked more questions about what I'm going to look like on "my" wedding day than about the man I'm marrying on "my" wedding day by a ratio of about 26:1. First of all, Joel has seen me as a hideous 14-year-old with glasses and zits, with a hangover (more than once), first thing in the morning every day for the past year and a half, with pneumonia, the flu, and terminal colds and, yes, at my happiest and cutest. He knows what I look like, and loves me despite that. Secondly, What is up with this "the BRIDE's big day" stuff?. Last time I checked, Joel is getting ready to say the same vows, go through the same ceremony and take the same step I am.

Neither of these people focus their lives around things like matching table settings or the latest fashion trends. Jenn does not behave like a girl is supposed to according to popular culture, and Joel loves her for that. But when they try to tell the person trying to sell her make-up that, it gets translated as "Oh! She wants only two shades of lip colour instead of three." When they look at getting some flowers for the simple reception at Jenn's parents' house, the florist quotes $250 if 'wedding' is mentioned, and only $65 if it is not.

Jenn asks: Why do people -- florists, dress people, hair people, and all of these other wedding-industry vultures, not to mention co-workers, acquaintances and family members assume that because I'm getting married I suddenly find things like table centres, shoes, hair and all of the other trappings monumental? It's my personal opinion that if you couldn't do the whole wedding thing in a barn tomorrow in your jeans with family and friends around, you shouldn't be doing it. Sure, it's fun to get all dressed up and get all the attention. But there's so much emphasis put on all the stuff concerning the actual getting-married part (reception, clothing, pictures, etc.) by the people who will make money off you, that it's way too easy to forget the being married part, the reason you're doing this in the first place. I'm getting married because I love my fiance. Period, full stop, end of story. I've invited my friends and family because I love them too, and I want them to see me make these promises to the man I love.

Many people I know shy away from marriage, but I wonder whether it has more to do with how our society approaches weddings than the fear of commitment that is often blamed in popular media. Unless you are willing to buy into the consumerism and gender roles that many readers of CD fight against every day in their lifestyle choices, or happen to have a family that rejects these things as well and is not likely to pine for a nice church wedding, a wedding requires some compromise. If it is not always compromise on the part of your family and community, then it is compromise of your principles. And the person you love enough to spend the rest of your life with doesn't need you to do that to prove it.

For further rants on this topic, see The un-FROU-FROU-GIRLY-GIRL BRIDE by Jnn Walton at www.ungroomd.com. All quotes used by Jenn's permission.

PHOTO (BLACK & WHITE): Lori Palano