A new government Website on Cybercrime ---
Bob Jensen's threads on computing and networking are at
Bob Jensen's threads on consumer frauds are at
CNN ran a scary special last night on ID
theft. It is by far the fastest growing crime in the U.S. with
over 10,000,000 victims per year. Chances are increasing that you
will be hit and that there is little you can do to prevent it since
we've become so dependent upon credit cards and bank accounts. The
sad thing is that Congress shows little interest in really getting tough
in forcing companies to take more serious preventative measures. I
guess the banking lobbies are not working in our best interests these
Bob Jensen's threads on identity theft are
Sustainable Table: Serving Up Healthy Food Choices ---
Aaron Konstam sent a link that provides more detail on how to get
personal information on people and how to remove your personal
information from the the Zabasearch database ---
The Zabasearch site is at
Bob Jensen's search helpers are at
Giving quizzes and exams via Blackboard and WebCT
Use Quizzes/Surveys to create and administer
quizzes and surveys. The Quiz and Survey tools can be used for summative
and formative evaluation.
WebCT@Queens --- ---
Bob Jensen's threads on assessment are at
A sociologist describes religion as "a fundamental belief in
The essay, “Religion & Morality: A
Contradiction Explained,” critiqued the role of religion. “Modern
religion is a fundamental belief in magic,” he wrote. The essay also
argued that religion had numerous negative consequences. Of religions,
he wrote: “They persist today because they are so effective at
constructing group identities and at setting up conflict between the in-
and out-groups. For all religions, there is an ‘us’ and a ‘them.’ All
the ritual and the fellowship associated with religious practice is just
a means of continually emphasizing group boundaries.”
Scott Jaschik, "Academic Freedom or Intolerance of Faith?" Inside
Higher Ed, May 26, 2005 ---
Economic Theory Question: Why are Catholics more likely to
Who Gambles in the Stock Market?
by Alok Kumar
Option theory meet portfolio selection. It fits the
theory perfectly, even though I am less sure of some
of the non economic aspects (for instance, why would
Catholics be more likely to take chances), but it
sure is an interesting paper that does fit with
Short version: the poor take bigger chances. (gee,
Option theory would predict that perfectly!)
SSRN-Who Gambles in the Stock
Market? by Alok Kumar
If a desire to escape poverty induces gambling,
socio-economic factors which promote lottery
purchases are also likely to induce investors to
adopt sub-optimal stock investment strategies.
Specifically, investors with a large
differential between their existing economic
status and their aspiration levels would tilt
their portfolios toward riskier lottery-type
stocks. However, these investors may hold
riskier stocks not necessarily because they are
risk-seeking but rather because they want to
have a positive probability, albeit very small,
of reaching their aspiration levels."
A friend of mine calls lotteries taxes on the stupid
(overlooking the physic pleasure of playing). Kumar
addresses this point not by using intelligence, but
"investor characteristics may influence
probability distortions, where relatively
sophisticated investors are less likely to
distort the small probabilities. For instance,
educated individuals are more likely to
understand the odds of winning while relatively
less educated individuals may significantly
distort the winning odds. If education is
correlated with income and wealth, rich
individuals are less likely to participate in
One final quote:
"I assume that investors are more likely to
perceive lower-priced stocks with very small but
positive potential for high returns as
lotteries. I further assume that stocks with
higher variance (or higher idiosyncratic
volatility or extreme returns) and positively
skewed returns are likely to be perceived as
high payoff potential stocks."
Kumar, Alok, "Who Gambles in the Stock Market?" (May
From Jim Mahar's blog on May 20, 2005 ---
Predictions by Bill Gates: Further Down the Road
When Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates released his
first book, The Road Ahead, in 1996, he predicted technical wonders we
take for granted now. He saw that, in the future, music would be kept as
digital bits of information, rather than on CDs and cassettes. He
foresaw the workforce displacement that the Web enables. And he
predicted a dramatic rise in shopping on the Net, changing consumer
habits forever. Now Gates is ready to look into his crystal ball again.
BusinessWeek Online has learned that the Microsoft (MSFT ) founder is in
the preliminary stages of writing a new book, looking once again at the
future of technology. ANOTHER BEST SELLER? Microsoft is in the final
stages of closing a deal with a co-author, whom the company declined to
name. And Gates's representatives have begun meeting with book industry
execs to gauge their interest. The software giant won't say yet when it
hopes to see a book in print: "Further Down Bill Gates's Road
Microsoft's founder is authoring another volume of predictions about
technology's future, including IT's impact on world health and
Jay Greene, Business Week, May 18, 2005 ---
The game of chess matches a human expert against 64 computers:
The man's chances are slim at best
Developed by the Abu Dhabi-based PAL Group,
Hydra uses 64 computers that operate as a single machine. It can analyse
200m chess moves in a second and think up to 40 moves ahead. Its
technology can also be applied to supercomputer tasks such as DNA and
fingerprint matching, code-breaking and space travel calculations.
Adams, who became a grandmaster at 17 and has played almost 2,000 games
in international tournaments, is understandably cautious about his
chances. "I know it will be a very tough match, but I will do my best,"
he said at the announcement of the contest at a London hotel yesterday.
"You have to adopt a slightly different strategy against a computer
because there is no way you can compete against that massive processing
power. I will be using intuition and experience to take the computer
into positions it is uncomfortable with."
Richard Jinman, "Man v machine in chess showdown," The Guardian,
May 25, 2005 ---
Time Magazine readers pick all-time movie favorites
"All-Time 100 Top Movies," Time Magazine, May 25, 2005 ---
The complete listing is at
German spam is raining down on Bob Jensen
Almost a year after they first appeared,
hundreds of German-language junk e-mails are once more sprouting up in
many people's inboxes.
Robert MacMillan. "Gotterspammerung," The Washington Post,
May 16, 2005 ---
Belgian Experiment: Make Prostitution Legal to Fight Its Ills
have legalized or expanded regulation of prostitution in the past six
years, and others are considering similar moves. By forcing the business
out into the open, the governments hope to make it harder for human
traffickers to thrive. Nearly 800,000 people are trafficked across
borders world-wide each year, according to the U.S. State Department.
The victims, promised passage to and work in the West, are typically
forced, defrauded or coerced into sexual exploitation, in a modern-day
form of slavery. Some Eastern European countries that joined the
European Union last year have become major transit points for trafficked
women. Antwerp, a port city of 500,000, offers a case study in the
benefits -- and limits -- of legalization. Local police say the tight
controls in the tolerance zone have helped reduce prostitution-related
crime -- including drug trafficking, assault, rape, murder and vandalism
-- by 44% overall since 2001. Legalization also has brought in nearly
$800,000 in tax revenue to the city.
Dan Bilefsky, "Belgian Experiment: Make Prostitution Legal to Fight Its
Ills: In Antwerp Area, Police Battle Crime, Human Trafficking;
Outside, It Still Goes On," The Wall Street Journal, May
26, 2005; Page A1 ---
Academic research that must be kept secret
Half of all American medical schools would let
companies that sponsor clinical drug trials draft journal articles based
on the studies and two in five would allow sponsors to prohibit
researchers from sharing data with third parties after the studies are
completed, according to a survey by researchers at Harvard University’s
School of Public Health. The study, which was published in The New
England Journal of Medicine, examined the agreements between medical
schools and the pharmaceutical companies that sponsor about 70 percent
of the clinical drug trials in the United States.
Scott Jaschik, "Quick Takes: Drug Companies’ Influence," Inside
Higher Ed, May 26, 2005 ---
Extension 720 offers discerning and insightful commentary on a
very wide range of issues
In a day and age where many radio programs rely
on the powers of mere shock value, Extension 720 offers discerning and
insightful commentary on a very wide range of issues. Based out of
Chicago, the program is hosted by Milt Rosenberg, who is a professor
emeritus at the University of Chicago. Since 1973, the program has
featured the likes of Margaret Thatcher, Jimmy Carter, Charlton Heston,
William Safire, and Calvin Trillin, among others. On the site, visitors
can listen to the current program, or browse through the extensive
archives, which date back to 2003. Additionally, visitors can also view
highlights of interviews from the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s. Some of the
more recent programs have focused their attention on the world of
stand-up comedy, organized crime in Chicago, and the current state of
various Great Books curricula in American high schools and colleges.
Scout Report, May 27, 2005 ---
Extension 720 ---
New Constitution Day (September 17) requirement for most colleges
The U.S. Constitution was signed on September
17, 1787. Sen. Robert Byrd takes the Constitution very seriously and
worries that not enough Americans share his passion or know much about
the Constitution. So the powerful West Virginia senator inserted into an
appropriations bill last year a requirement that all educational
institutions receiving federal funds offer an instructional program
every Constitution Day, September 17. Colleges are covered by the
provision and the Education Department released rules Tuesday to carry
out the law. The rules aren’t really rules at all. They just restate the
requirement of the law, note that Constitution Day programs can be held
the week prior or after September 17 if that day falls on a weekend or
holiday (this year it is a Saturday), and offer some Web sites with
information about the Constitution. So while colleges have to do
something on Constitution Day, they can decide on just about any
Scott Jaschik, "Few Rules for New Constitution Day Requirement,"
Inside Higher Ed, May 25, 2005 ---
Paul Ricoeur — the philosopher whose writings on hermeneutics were the
cornerstone of an ambitious rethinking of the relationship between the
humanities and the social sciences — died on Friday at the age of 92. By
the late 1960s, American academic presses had made him one of the first
French thinkers of his generation with a substantial body of work
available in English. Even as an octogenarian, he was more productive
than many scholars half his age. Late last year, the University of
Chicago Press published Memory, History, Forgetting — an enormous study
of the conditions of possibility for both historical writing and moral
forgiveness. His book The Course of Recognition is due from Harvard
University Press this fall. And Ricoeur himself provided the ideal
survey of his life and philosophical development in Critique and
Commitment, a lively set of interviews that Columbia University Press
issued in 1998. At the time of his death, he was professor emeritus at
both the University of Paris and the University of Chicago. “The entire
European humanist tradition is mourning one of its most talented
spokesmen,” said a statement from the office of Jean-Pierre Raffarin,
the prime minister of France, released over the weekend. And that leads
to a conundrum. It is Tuesday already, and nobody in the American media
has insulted Ricoeur yet. What’s going on? Have our pundits lost their
commitment to mocking European intellectuals and the pointy-headed
professors who read them? At first I thought it might be that people
were still tired from abusing Derrida following his death last fall. But
clearly that’s not it.
Scott McLemee, "Remembering Ricoeur," Inside Higher Ed, May 24,
MLA Opposes Boycott
The Executive Council of the Modern Language
Association on Wednesday sent a letter to the Association of University
Teachers, Britain’s primary faculty union, calling on it to end its
boycott of two Israeli universities. The MLA letter said that the
boycott “is damaging to the vital free exchange of ideas,” and that the
boycott ran counter to the MLA’s belief that scholars should be judged
not on the basis of their nationality, but on “the character and quality
of their work.”
Scott Jaschik, "MLA Opposes Boycott," Inside Higher Ed, May 26,
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make
a good excuse.
Thomas Szasz. as quoted by Mark Shapiro at
The very spring and root of honesty and
virtue lie in good education.
Plutarch.as quoted by Mark Shapiro at
With the growing maturity of linear and reductionist paradigms, the
new frontier for problem-solving tools will be new mathematics and
algorithms. It is clear that new tools are needed for solving more
difficult social and biological problems. This type of mathematics will
be capable of handling uncertainties, making decisions and modeling very
large systems and networks which are complex, nonlinear and
New Mathematics and Natural Computation, a new journal from World
Statistical Abstract of the United States 2004-2005 edition available
Income and tax statistics from the IRS ---
Bob Jensen's threads on economic statistics are at
Bob Jensen's threads on encyclopedias are at
Faculty sanction issues and related cases
(Persons) interested in this thread may also be
interested in a recent summary on faculty sanction issues and related
cases from the National Conference on Law in Higher Education (annually
at Stetson U. Law School) online at
(it also links to some sample campus policies).
May 17, 2005 email message from Tracy Sutherland
Deals from Hell: A new book by Robert Bruner
It is, of course, the losers that create
the most interest. The flash of a big deal is like watching a Ferrari
dart down the highway. Immense sums are at stake, as well as the
reputations of highflying chief executives, and there is always the
chance of a smash-up around the bend. Mr. Bruner fixes on 10 notorious
smash-ups, such as the AOL-Time Warner combination of 2000, AT&T's
bungled purchase of NCR Corp. in 1991 and the failed leveraged buyout of
Revco Drug Stores in 1986. He then helps us to understand such debacles
by examining the causes of failure in the nonfinancial world, noting
that "at the heart of most disasters is an element of human choice or
action that might have averted the outcome."
Dennis Berman, "If Only They Had Never Met," The Wall
Street Journal, May 26, 2005; Page D8 ---
Demand for Certified Bookkeepers Outpacing Supply
In the seven years since bookkeeper
certification was introduced, 10,000 bookkeepers have registered for
certification. Another 15,000 have requested information on the
certification process. Yet the question remains: can employers find
enough certified bookkeepers (CB) to meet their needs? “The good news
for employers,” says Steve Sahlein, Co-President of the American
Institute of Professional Bookkeepers (AIPB), “is that between the
increased demand for Certified Bookkeepers and the Department of Labor’s
Occupational Outlook Handbook predicting that the best jobs will go to
Certified Bookkeepers, we expect to see a lot more CBs in the near
future.” Chris Brademas, Human Resources Director at Beach, Fleischman &
Co. P.C., southern Arizona’s largest CPA firm, has felt the pinch. “I
knew that a CB would fit in with our firm’s emphasis on highly trained
professionals,” she says. Unfortunately, a “Certified Bookkeeper highly
preferred” job posting, returned no CB applicants. So she turned to
nearby Pima County Community College, one of more than 100 colleges and
universities nationwide certification preparatory courses, and hired a
student on the certification track. Across the country, in Nashville,
Tennessee, Certified Bookkeeper Kelly Ritts, sent out six resumes,
interviewed with five companies and received three job offers.
Certification may even mean more to employers than an Associate Degree
in accounting, as Brenda Lee Shelt of Kalispell, Montana found out.
Without certification, the CPA firm she wanted to work at wouldn’t even
interview her. As soon as she became a certified bookkeeper, the same
firm not only hired her, they’re paying her 50 percent more than they
pay individuals with Associate’s Degrees and have promised to review her
performance and contract after three months. This is not news to
employment agencies who have long found Certified Bookkeepers have a
tremendous advantage when it comes to competing for jobs. “Employers
will pay more for bookkeepers who have proven their technical knowledge
in a national exam,” says Stan Hartman who manages the AIPB’s job
placement Web site. “Many bookkeepers may have only on-the-job
"Demand For Certified Bookkeepers Outpacing Supply," AccountingWeb,
May 18, 2005 ---
Bob Jensen's threads on accountancy careers are at
University of Minnesota's Insect Collection ---
New Type of Rewards Card for Fliers
In a move that will likely reassure
travel-rewards seekers who are worried about the availability of
frequent-flier seats, American Express Co. launched a new card yesterday
that earns customers points redeemable for cash discounts of as much as
75% on Delta Air Lines flights. People using the card, called the
SkyPoints Credit Card, earn a new frequent-flier currency called
SkyPoints, which they can trade in for the airline discounts. For
instance, a customer could trade 15,000 SkyPoints for a 50% discount off
a $400 cross-country Delta flight.
Ron Lieber, "New Type of Rewards Card for Fliers: AmEx Gives
Customers Choice of Earning Discounts Or Miles for Delta Flights,"
The Wall Street Journal, May 26, 2005; Page D2 ---
Minorities forced to compete for doctoral fellowships
According to the report, from the Woodrow
Wilson National Fellowship Foundation, many of the groups that support
minority Ph.D. students have broadened their programs to include other
students as well. As a result, the report warns that the cohort of new
Ph.D.’s — and in turn the cohort of new professors in the years to come
— may lack the racial and ethnic diversity many colleges want for their
faculties. The foundation’s report has two main parts. One part
summarizes data showing how few Ph.D.’s are awarded to black and
Hispanic students. In 2003, the report notes, one in three Americans was
black or Hispanic, but only one in nine American citizens who received
Ph.D.’s that year were black or Hispanic. The data in the report largely
come from the studies conducted by the National Opinion Research Center
at the University of Chicago and released in December.
Scott Jaschik, "Dwindling Support," Inside Higher Ed, May 26,
"Rise of the Plagiosphere," by Ed Tenner, MIT's Technology Review,
June 2005 ---
Enter text-comparison software. A small
handful of entrepreneurs have developed programs that search the
open Web and proprietary databases, as well as e-books, for
suspicious matches. One of the most popular of these is Turnitin;
inspired by journalism scandals such as the New York Times' Jayson
Blair case, its creators offer a version aimed at newspaper editors.
Teachers can submit student papers electronically for comparison
with these databases, including the retained texts of previously
submitted papers. Those passages that bear resemblance to each other
are noted with color highlighting in a double-pane view.
Two years ago I heard a speech by a New
Jersey electronic librarian who had become an antiplagiarism
specialist and consultant. He observed that comparison programs were
so thorough that they often flagged chance similarities between
student papers and other documents. Consider, then, that Turnitin's
spiders are adding 40 million pages from the public Web, plus 40,000
student papers, each day. Meanwhile Google plans to scan millions of
library books--including many still under copyright--for its Print
database. The number of coincidental parallelisms between the
various things that people write is bound to rise steadily.
A third technology will add yet more
capacity to find similarities in writing. Artificial-intelligence
researchers at MIT and other universities are developing techniques
for identifying nonverbatim similarity between documents to make
possible the detection of nonverbatim plagiarism. While the
investigators may have in mind only cases of brazen paraphrase, a
program of this kind can multiply the number of parallel passages
Some universities are encouraging students
to precheck their papers and drafts against the emerging
plagiosphere. Perhaps publications will soon routinely screen
submissions. The problem here is that while such rigorous and robust
policing will no doubt reduce cheating, it may also give writers a
sense of futility. The concept of the biosphere exposed our
environmental fragility; the emergence of the plagiosphere perhaps
represents our textual impasse. Copernicus may have deprived us of
our centrality in the cosmos, and Darwin of our uniqueness in the
biosphere, but at least they left us the illusion of the originality
of our words. Soon that, too, will be gone.
Continued in the article
Bob Jensen's threads on plagiarism are at
Paul Pacter has been working hard to both maintain his
international accounting site and to produce a comparison guide between
international and Chinese GAAP. He states the following on May 26,
May 26, 2005: Deloitte (China) has
published a comparison of accounting standards in the People's
Republic of China and International Financial Reporting Standards as
of March 2005. The comparison is available in both English and
Chinese. China has different levels of accounting standards that
apply to different classes of entities. The comparison relates to
the standards applicable to the largest companies (including all
non-financial listed and foreign-invested enterprises) and
identifies major accounting recognition and measurement differences.
Click to download:
The chronology of events leading up to European adoption if common
international accounting standards ---
Bob Jensen's threads on accounting theory are at
How to use VAR, ETL in Excel
Estimating Risk Measures
I wish I could retroactively
require an article to be read! If I could, this
would be it for my Portfolio class (Fin422).
Financial Engineering News,
Kevin Dowd explains how to use
Excel to calculate VAR and other risk measures. This
will be VERY HELPFUL in class!!!
For instance: "To estimate the daily VaR at, say,
the 99 percent confidence level, we can use Excel’s
Large command, which gives the kth largest value in
an array. Thus, if our data are an array called
“losses,” we can take the VaR to be the eleventh
largest loss out of 1,000. (We choose the eleventh
largest loss as our VaR because the confidence level
implies that one percent of losses – 10 losses –
should exceed the VaR.) The estimated VaR is given
by the Excel command “=Large(losses,11)”."
good stuff! Read it!!!
From Jim Mahar's blog on May 23, 2005 ---
Bob Jensen's threads on VAR are under the V-terms at
are one of the alternatives allows under SEC Rule 4-08
Here is a Good Summary of Various Forms of Business
A U.S. school hasn't won the world computer programming
championship since 1997
On April 7, CNET News.com reported the
following: "The University of Illinois tied for 17th place in the world
finals of the Association for Computing Machinery International
Collegiate Programming Contest. ... "That's the lowest ranking for the
top-performing U.S. school in the 29-year history of the competition.
Shanghai Jiao Tong University of China took top honors this year,
followed by Moscow State University and the St. Petersburg Institute of
Fine Mechanics and Optics. Those results continued a gradual ascendance
of Asian and East European schools during the past decade or so. A U.S.
school hasn't won the world championship since 1997, when students at
Harvey Mudd College achieved the honor. 'The U.S. used to dominate these
kinds of programming Olympics,' said David Patterson, president of the
Association for Computing Machinery and a computer science professor at
the University of California at Berkeley. 'Now we're sort of falling
Thomas Friedman, "Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio?," The New
York Times, May 18, 2005
The New AP
The College Board will soon begin research in
an effort to make Advanced Placement courses and exams more closely
resemble the best first-year college courses. Traditionally, the College
Board surveyed colleges across the country and used responses to
generate its curriculum. “For Advanced Placement U.S. History, we asked
things like: ‘How much time do you spend on the Civil War? Or the
Industrial Revolution?’” said Trevor Packer, the AP executive director.
“Then we structured courses and exams accordingly.” In its new approach,
the College Board will consult experts, both inside and outside
colleges, to determine which first-year college courses across the
nation are held in highest regard, and then model AP courses and exams
David Epstein, "The New AP," Inside Higher Ed, May 26, 2005 ---
Quotes from Woody Allen ---
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. (Everything You Always Wanted
to Know About Sex)
That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing. (Annie Hall)
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love. (Annie Hall)
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided
you get between the right man and the right woman.
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when
I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex
raises some pretty interesting questions.
I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.
The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small
portions. That's essentially how I feel about life. (Annie Hall)
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil.
But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an
underachiever. (Love and Death)
I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. (Play it Again
I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers. (Sleepers)
My brain - it's my second favorite organ. (Sleeper)
Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? A.
Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
(Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. (New
Yorker, 'My Philosophy')
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get
much sleep. (Without Feathers, 'The Scrolls')
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when
it happens. (Death)
The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate
rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch.
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may
be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have
bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife
but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is
one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. (The Early
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. (The
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I
looked into the soul of another boy. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of
My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the
heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
I have never been an intellectual but I have this look.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me
and she said 'no'. (Woody Allen Volume Two)
I am at two with nature. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him 'be fruitful, and multiply.'
But not in those words. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was
too short. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister
Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New
Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
(Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)
And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into
action immediately: they rent out my room. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. (Woody Allen and
Death is an acquired trait. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve
it through not dying. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)
I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty
minutes. It's about Russia. (Quote and Unquote)
Take the money and run. (Film title)
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large
deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the Allen
Notebooks, New Yorker)
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on
Saturday night. (New York Times)
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
(Sayings of the Week, Observer)
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your
children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain
control of your estate.
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so
hard to find your way around Chinatown.
How can I believe in God when justlast week I got my tongue caught in
the roller of an electric typewriter?
I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to
make a board game out of it.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in
and sink my boats.
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the
judge signed the divorce papers.
I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not
doing anything very innovative.
There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more .
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path
leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This
is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never
remember where they have left things.
94.5% of all statistics are made up.
Why ruin a good story with the truth?
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes,
sometimes you take the meal seriously.
It is impossible to travel faster than light and certainly not
desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off...
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing. Between 5, it's fantastic.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his
deathbed, sold me this watch.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my